My boyfriend, Jim Bob/Denzel has been quite chivalrous over the last 3 months.
However, he told me this weekend that he doesn’t want to open my car door for me anymore because it is exhausting & annoying...especially when we are running errands or going multiple places.
I’ll admit I was a little taken aback…no a lot taken aback. 
Now that I’ve had the door opened for me on a consistent basis (my dad used does for me as well but he lives in Arizona), I really like it. We went around about it for about five minutes with Jim Bob/Denzel finally relenting:
Fine! I’ll open the car door for you.
Only for me to reply: Well now it doesn’t mean as much since I know you don’t like it!
So at church yesterday Jim Bob/Denzel and I were talking to our Pastor, Dave Haney and a gentleman (we’ll call him Paul)–both married around 30-plus years. I asked them if they opened the car door for their wives. Haney said he never does and Paul said 50% of the time. Jim Bob/Denzel started grinning from ear to ear as if he had won the battle.
Then I asked them if they opened doors for there wives while they were dating. Both said absolutely and were shocked when I told them what Jim Bob/Denzel had said…in their opinion 3 months is a little too soon to stop.
Now I just don’t know: Isn’t it false advertising to be chivalrous at the beginning of the relationship and then stop once you have each other locked down?
At the same time, is it really annoying/exhausting to open the door for the woman you care about to show her respect?
And most importantly, should Jim Bob/Denzel be the gentleman that wooed me in the first place, and continue to open my doors?
****Update**** We chatted about Jim Bob/Denzel an the door opening debacle this morning.
Listen here: [audio:http://www.roxannewilson.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/CJ-Car-Door.mp3|titles=CJ Car Door]
Here’s what a caller had to say on the matter: [audio:http://www.roxannewilson.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/CJ-Car-Door-Caller.mp3|titles=CJ Car Door Caller]
I want to hear from men and women on this one! Do tell…
My husband has been opening doors for me from day 1 we’ve been married for almost 4 years and 2 kids later and he still opens my door. He plans on doing it until he can’t do it anymore.
I must say at times it is annoying, but, he loves doing it and so I will let him do it as long as he can:)
That is too sweet-not only that he does it, but that you let him because you know how much it means to him.
My half has never opened the car door for me, EVER. He was not taught that way.
Sounds like you’re both using all of us as your therapy group!
Methinks it just means the two of you haven’t had the discussion yet about what you each consider ‘courtesy’ and ‘politeness.’
Once you’re married for while (this IS all about courtship, no?) You’ll find your own baseline and routine. Then DenzBob can surprise you by going the extra mile, all…the…way…around…the…(puff, puff) car…to… court you all over again.
My wife released me of the ‘every stop, every time’ obligation fairly early on, opening her own door and thanking me for my ‘courtesy in progress.’ Now with four kids to tote around, courtesy means something else entirely. So I strive to be first to undo the baby seat, fetch the diaper back and corral the rest of the bunch. But the biggest courtesy of all (I’ve learned) is permitting my wife to go to the bathroom BY HERSELF.
Hubby has never opened the door for me. We started off as buddies/friends, so he wasn’t ever trying to ‘woo’ me I guess.
My dad and my brother both open doors for me though – car and otherwise – and I love it! Especially since I am usually carrying no less than a baby, a bag of some sort and whatever misc items my 3 year old handed me as we were leaving.
Terri, it sounds like you need an official designated door opener. I bet your Hubby wooed you in less traditional ways. You wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t.
Not to be a traitor to my generation and all {or gender in this case}…….. but I’m going to have to side with the man of many names here.
I tried to force a boy to open the car door for me way back when and it ended up not meaning anything once he was finally trained {other than the fact that he could be trained, which I ultimately found unintersting}.
My hubs, on the other hand, has been opening doors for me most of the time, out of his own volition, for 11 years. I love it when he does. When he doesn’t, I don’t take it personally. I mean let’s face it. If we’re running errands, I don’t want to wait around for him to get over to my door to let me out anyway. I want to get the task at hand done so we can settle in at our final destination and just be together.
Also, in the heat of a Texas summer, you might pass out from heat stroke waiting for him to do it. Just keep that in mind.
Oh no you didn’t just pull out the weather. Hilarious. I would never force a boy to do it, but I do think guys need to think about the expectations they set. Your hubs does the car thing when he feels like it, and I am guessing he never declared his annoyance with it, he just didn’t do it when he didn’t feel like it. And thus you appreciate it when it is done. I’m beginning to wonder how honest we really want our guys to be in a relationship….
Wow! What does one say to this recent discussion of chivalry? Here is the truth of the matter, opening the door for your lady friend is not an act of exhaustion, but it can be annoying when you are doing multiple stops (i.e. errands) or when there is pressure to do it. It is not a sign of disrespect or or laziness if a man decides not to open the door. It’s just that when one’s life (myself or anyone’s for that matter) is over run with acts of service, it is nice to have a safe understanding that me not opening the door doesn’t mean anything negative. Plus, I think that it looses it’s value if we opened the door all the freaking time. Where are all those independent women out there? Didn’t Beyonce write a song about independence that you ladies rallied behind?
Now with that said, I understand that I am being very selfish in the matter and should put myself aside and man up and open the door. Which is totally understandable. A dear friend of mine, Lisa McEntire worded it like this: “In a relationship it’s not 90/10, 60/40, or 50/50. It is 110/110. You both will have to give your all and then some.” So my questions are these: When is my door going to be opened? When is my meal going to be paid for? When do I experience the “female charm” that Roxanne always speaks of? Is it really fair for me to do these acts chivalry to no avail?
Here is my understanding of this situation as a whole: If I am to ever ride in the same vehicle as my girlfriend, Roxanne Wilson, I should feel the gentle tug of obligation to get out, walk around the car and open her door. It is my duty as a man and as a boyfriend. It’s not a requirement, but it is strongly suggested. It’s not about whether I want to or not; it’s about would I do it or not. So ladies, don’t come crashing on me too hard. I am just a lowly man trying to seek an understanding of the relationship that I have been so greatly blessed with.
Roxanne, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I understand that I am a very spoiled man and I am so grateful that you put up with my ridiculousness, but baby, personally, I don’t fully enjoy opening your door all the time. You know my stance on this matter. Now, with that said, if we look back on the conversation from this weekend about me not wanting to open the always open your door, you have to remember that I never said that I wouldn’t. If opening the door is what you want, then I will open it. Hell, I will open it a million times if I have to. This is one simple way that I will put myself aside for you. Even Jesus prayed for this cup to pass from Him in the garden before He died on the cross. Me not wanting to open the door does not mean that I won’t do it. You should feel the realness of the love I have for you, because considering all this, I WILL do it anyway.
LOVE = SACRIFICE
See, I believe a relationship is not about forcing one another into wanting to do everything the other wants. It’s about sacrifice of one’s self for the benefit of the other. So, I will open that door and I will do it without complaining… much, and I will continue to do it for as long as we are together.
You’re my girl, Roxanne and I will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.
CJ Out!
Whoops, I meant Jim Bob/Denzel…
Out of Control…but so sweet.
Denzel just got some points subtracted
j/k
So, my Denzel opens doors when we are going on a date or to church (50% of the time)… something more formal. When we are running around town doing multiple errands– he doesn’t.
Now, commenting on your situation– I’m kinda confused– why did he do it in the first place? The words “exhausting and annoying” are really upsetting… and I agree with everything Kelli said above…
Something to get to the bottom of…
BUT I can tell you– we have had the same kind of upsetting scenarios happen in our relationship— and I am learning that the fairytale Disney promised–isn’t very realistic.
Here is my Denzel’s response when I read it to him:
“Does she love the guy? Do they get along? Do they have a lot in common? Are they soul mates? If those things are true–then that shouldn’t matter… those are hard things to find”
There you have it..
Yes, he popped the Disney bubble a little sooner on the door opening than I anticipated. Jim Bob/Denzel hasn’t dated that much, I think being with me multiplied his door opening duty exponentially. But your Denzel strips it down. Bare bones.
Hummm… I’m a big fan of the old adage… “What you do to GET someone is what you need to do to KEEP them.” I know a LOT of married couples who feel like they got bait and switched and the resentment really builds over the years.
Is it really that much of a hassle to open a door for you when it’s something that you actually care about? It might be different if you didn’t care. But you do — and you told him you did. Most likely because it shows by action that he wants to take care of you and you are special to him.
To me, that he ever opened the door for you in the first place shows that he knew its something that would “woo” you… so why does he want to stop “wooing” you? Is he of the opinion that you are not worth the “woo” anymore?
Kelli, then I guess it is good he came clean early. Honestly I realized it isn’t the door, it is what he said. Deep down I think he knows the door wasn’t that big of a deal so he just let his mouth roll. I have a feeling men do what they think they are supposed to to “Get the girl.” And maybe their should be a class on “how to get the girl” should warn them that if they start something for the sake of wooing, they might get a little flack when they stop the wooing.
I actually had an interesting convo with my bf about all of this last nite and he was perplexed by someone being annoyed or exhausted by it. He said it really doesn’t add much to his day to do it and that I thank him almost every time lets him know that I really appreciate and notice the little sacrifices. (Of course, we live in Northern Cali and granted… the weather IS better. On the other hand… when I lived in TX… my boyfriends there also opened doors. *grin*)
I don’t really think your bf doesn’t think you are worth the “woo” — it was more to make the point that you touched on… when does the “wooing” expectation stop and what happens when it does?
Does that mean you get to stop shaving your legs?
Stop shaving my legs? Now wouldn’t that be a treat!
My husband opens the door for me every time we get in the car, for the past 5 1/2 years. Its so routine for him that he has to catch himself when a dude is riding with him in the car and is about to open the door for him. He gets mad when I try to do it myself. He said thats just one, simple way he can show how he can take care of me. Maybe your Jim Bob/Denzel shows you in a different way how he can take care of you.
Totally sweet of your husband Kassie. Yes I think Jim Bob/Denzel does show me in different ways how he can take care of me. As we learn more about each other, I think he his words won’t be as shocking and/or he will filter. Or maybe even both.