Lessons learned from the the ex(es)…
by roxanne on 06/02/09 at 8:33 am
Yes! You can be friends with an ex. And I will go one further, being friends with your exes can teach you a thing or two.
Case in point: This weekend I spent significant time with two of my exes. One, Brent; my big ex, first love, dated for 6 years, thought I was going to marry…you know the kind. Brent and I chatted via phone a lot this weekend. And it wasn’t necessarily about anything in particular, but it was really comfortable.
Two, was Paul. To call Paul and ex isn’t the right depiction, but sometimes words can’t really describe it. We were really good friends that never quite got to the point where we were officially in dating realm long enough (or at all) to officially be dating. I digress. Paul came back this weekend from being out of the country for the better part of 2 years. He came over last night and we ended up watching the MTV Movie awards together as we talked. Again it was really comfortable.
Lessons learned from staying in contact with an ex-boyfriend:
1)  I miss comfortable. There is something comforting about knowing that the other person isn’t going to walk away just because I have a major girl moment (you know the kind). ‘Vulnerable’ is scary word, but when you can be vulnerable, it is spectacular.
2)  I want to be known. Dating requires you to be so choosy and so cautious and so guarded, that it is hard to be known. I am so busy trying find out how he reacts to certain things, who he is at his core, how he acts when the rubber meets the road and what’s ‘wrong’ with him, while guarding my heart, that after the initial flirtation, I don’t really let a guy in. It’s easy to do: He asks how my day was. I answer quickly with little detail and switch the conversation to something else. I am the queen of this. And it isn’t until much later if at all, that they realize they don’t really know that much about me.
3)   It takes time to get to that ‘known, comfortable’ place. It took time to get there with Brent and with Paul. We weren’t vulnerable with each other overnight. Yet when I look back on it, it happened is a hot minute. Wrong! Patience young grasshopper.
4)   The end of a romance doesn’t have to make the relationship terminal. Seriously, if you care about the person as a person, apart from the romance, you CAN be friends after the flame burns out. ** I kid you not, there were times with Brent and Paul that I thought I would never talk to them again, EVER. And yet, here we are. And it pretty much rocks the casbah. I am good at the after, now if only I could hone my skills regarding the during! (**Disclaimer: I am not talking about unhealthy relationships.)
Before you inquire, both guys are truly just friends. I WOULD set them up with my friend though. But our ship has sailed.
Besides, I never said I want to date for more than merely sport. Sure I miss the comfort and I miss being known, but I am a woman, it is my prerogative to change my mind or to not really know what I want…
